Friday, March 02, 2012

Lurching into 2012

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what to say.  I suppose writing the equivalent of one of those much-dreaded Christmas update letters would be the best choice, which reminds me of a parody someone did of those letters wherein all their family members were either in jail, missing following a police chase, or in some other wild crisis.  Some days, now, my life feels more like that parody letter but it's really a mix...


My oldest son married last month, in a lovely, small ceremony in a nice setting, and his wife is a delightful lady.

My daughter is doing fabulously at college and will be graduating this Spring with a 4.0 average and a mother bursting with pride for her.

My youngest son is doing his level best to figure out what college is all about, making lots of new friends, and getting more comfortable commuting.

We have a yarn shop in town now with a great store owner, fantastic yarns, and wonderful knitters to commune with on knit days and nights.  The owner is very patient with me when I've had a bad day and need to stick my head in a bin of yarn to relax.

I have amazing, supportive, helpful, steady friends who are infinitely patient and kind with me, concerned about me and my children, and who have offered so much beyond just their absorbent shoulders.  They even call me frequently to check up on me, commiserate with me, and tell me goofy jokes.

My sister is being really great to me.

I am getting rid of things that I've wanted to get rid of for a long, long time.

I am sleeping better than I have in many years.

Doodle is pretty good at fixing things around the house.

My 14 year old dog is still with us and in relatively good health.  The baby dog is getting better in a lot of ways -- lots of wagging, less submissive weeing, and comes when called (unless there's something more interesting than praise and scratches distracting her).

My parrot is still a riot.

Sad Things:

My spouse decided last Fall that he was done being married, was not kind about it, and left all of us to move in with a new, ready made family.  We are all still hurting.  I could go on, but he doesn't deserve that much of my time or yours.

My stepbrother died in a tragic accident, there was a schemozzle over his remains, and now the post office has lost him as he was journeying to his final resting place.

I am sorting through 30 years of stuff, and sometimes I spontaneously burst into tears.  I have to let go of tangible things as well as intangible things, and I am surprised at the need to grieve over stuff -- not all of it, just some.

I'm having a heck of a time with my teeth, and with divorce pending, cost is a big factor in deciding just how much of a toothless hillbilly I want to be.

I really, really don't have a clue as to what to do in the next phase of my life.  Advocacy has been great, and it's uplifting to help people that way, but I can't kid myself into believing there's a living in doing it.  So.... what next?

There is waaaaaaay too much paperwork involved in a divorce after a 30 year marriage.

I miss my Dad and Stepmom daily, all over again.  A lot.

Odd Things:

I have learned sustained cussing.  I can hold forth with a sparkling blue streak of profanity for several minutes at a time, now -- when I'm alone, of course -- and I find it quite satisfying.

I can't believe the post office lost my stepbrother.  While it's tragic, what comes irreverently to mind immediately is "late to his own funeral", which he would have thought was a riot, too, because he was mellow and had a dry sense of humor.

No one actively or obviously misses my soon-to-be-ex.  It's calmer and quieter and cleaner with him gone.  My kids have said they like it better without all the chaos.  They don't miss the temper storms either.  It's strange.

There actually are magazines dealing solely with divorce.

I thought about having my wedding and engagement rings melted down into a belly button ring.  Not for long, and it was followed by a thought about the symbolism of a nose ring instead.  Also didn't think about that one for long.  Don't even go there to the chest location.  Ouch.  Not.

Anyway, I feel like I'm in limbo -- I'm not particularly sad (the antidepressants I got put on have helped there), I'm not happy, I am, at least, not numb anymore -- that lasted a couple of months.  It's gray and cold outside and a little gray inside, too.  There are no crises, no impending things of particular note, and I'm in the endurance phase now -- doing what I can while things grind slowly through the legal system, and trying to do the best I can today with the tools I have today -- and not stressing out if I have to take some time to simply be and let the feelings roll through and out again.