Five Bad Ideas for Commercial Food

Jon Stewart got me started on this strange idea the other night when he reviewed a new (wonderful!) product -- sausage link wrapped in a chocolate chip pancake -- on a stick! Can it get worse? I've tried. My ideas for Bad Food Concepts...

1. Biscuits N Gravy Cereal: Just in time for all you true Southerners who don't have time for a hot meal. Combine your Momma's favorite breakfast with the fastest food available without a drive-through! Eat the Lo-Fat version by using skim milk instead of whole!

2. Grits Patty on a stick: Great for early NASCAR races! And, just in case you or the person next to you is wearing dry-clean-only white, pull out the optional packet of Catsup for extra flavoring! Coming later this year -- Grits Patty with Sausage Bits, still on a handy stick!

3. Liverwurst RollUps: Ahh, the wonderful memories of opening up your brown bag lunch in elementary school and finding an tasty meal consisting of a liverwurst sandwich with a slice of onion and Miracle Whip, a Tupperware container of room temperature sauerkraut, and an oatmeal cookie. Mom sure did love you! Bring back those warm, fuzzy memories with your own Heat N Eat Microwaveable Liverwurst Rollup. Our rollups have a sweet Bavarian sauerkraut center, a side package of Miracle Whip, and next year we'll have them available in the Kid Pack, complete with a squeeze bottle of V8 and an oatmeal cookie.

4. Squeeze Cake: You'll think you're 8 years old and dreaming of life as an astronaut all over again with our handy Squeeze Cake. Comes in a hard-to-handle foil packet and must be squeezed into the mouth. Available in Chocolate with Chocolate Frosting, White Cake with White Lard Frosting, and for holidays, our own special Squeeze Fruitcake! (no rum)

5. EZ Ham: Too harried from a long day at work to make dainty canapes for your dinner party for 24? Well, just haul out a can of EZ Ham to go along with our popular EZ Cheese, break open a package of party crackers and let the good times roll! We like to add a delicate sprig of parsley or pimento to ours for those super-formal parties, but even if it's just you and the guys and a football game, EZ Spray-on Ham is always a favorite!