Friday, January 12, 2007

Five Spam Types That Irk Me

I should first admit that I sometimes read real life junk mail. I’m curious, I’m a compulsive reader, and I like to know what’s being touted from time to time. I also sometimes look at spam to see what’s cooking. Sadly, spam often lacks the tacky charm, the emotional thrill (“You may have already won!”) of paper junk mail.

1. Stocks to buy: If I were interested in buying stocks, the last thing I’d do would be buy those on advice from some wanker with a fraudulent return email address. Which is just one step below buying swampland in Florida, because at least the swampland might offer me a picture of a ‘gator as a consolation for being monumentally stupid.

2. Penis Spam: I don’t personally own one, and if I were to forward the p.spam to the possessor of same in my life, he might get so insulted that he’d consider not bringing it home for my entertainment anymore. And, life’s too short to play with your….. well, you know what I mean.

3. Lose weight now: Thank you. I’m sure I want to take advice and buy products on weight loss while sitting idly in front of my computer from someone who is doing the exact same thing. I’m pretty sure my Grandmother was right when she said, “go do something, dammit” although she might have just wanted me to get off the couch so she could sit down. If she were around annoying me today, I’d have Buns of Whole Wheat or something, instead.

4. Unintentional Spam: Sometimes neophytes, or even experienced computer users, will want to send their new email address, a particularly spicy anecdote, some wonderful pictures, a prayer for the troops, or a joke to everyone in their email address book. Unfortunately, we may have quit corresponding 5 years ago, I may be in your address book as a result of someone else’s galumphingly inept emailing, or I just don’t know you at all, and what really concerns me is how you got hold of my damned address. Second in this category are emails that have been repeatedly forwarded until I have to click more than twice to excavate the message you wanted me to see. Please, peeps, cut and paste and save time for those you wish to enlighten, entertain, or harass.

5. Credit card/paycheck loan Spam. No, just no. No today, no tomorrow, and no for everyday after that in perpetuity. Are they insane? Where’s the trackability? The accountability? Just thinking about it makes my eyeballs spin in opposite directions.

Fortunately my ISP traps most of the spam, so I don’t spend too much time choking and whacking the keyboard with my fist. What it doesn’t get, my home spam filter gets. I even have to check them periodically to make sure they haven’t inadvertently snagged a worthy message due to some phrase or trigger word. But it’s worth the small annoyance to get rid of the much bigger one. I hope someone comes up with a fix-all for the spam soon. In the meantime:

EnLarga your penus NOW and youf boss will advance you aLoan, so you can buy my EFEDRAgaranteed wt. Loss products – and some !!!Penny Stocks!!! While I tell you this one about a farmer…”

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