MY KIDS AREN'T FROM STEPFORD...

...so I get phone calls from the school districts when they draw odd pictures or engage in other individualistic behavior...

"Your son's notebook is covered in runes."
"Damn. I thought he understood channeling Vikings was forbidden."

"Your son said he was stealing children's souls." (from a Simpson's episode)
"Amazing how gullible some people are, isn't it?"

"Why did he do a report on the Black Plague?"
"He's not into Elizabethan fashion."

"Why does it say 'cat gilding in the grotto' in his assignment notebook?"
"I wrote that in there. If you keep looking, you'll also find 'teachclog dancing
to yurt dwellers' and 'name your teeth.' Just a little something to make him giggle."

"He wrote his book report in German."
"No, he wrote it in English and asked me to translate it for him."

"Your daughter told me my class was boring."
"I'll buy her a better thesaurus."

"Your son said that if X didn't quit hitting him, he'd stab him with a Q-tip"
"Last I checked, possession of ear hygiene equipment wasn't a felony.
Maybe X should quit hitting him. I'm feeling a cotton puff moment myself."

"Your son made a bow and arrow out of tinker toys"
"Do they work? Wow! I'm so impressed!"

"Your daughter called a senior a 'rank, onion-eyed minnow'."
"Oh, good. That's much better than 'pestilential, clack-jawed castrato.'
We were doing Shakespearean insults over dinner last night.
I have a list, would you like a copy?"