SCHOOL SUPPLIES
(also from the archives)

Dear Teacher of my child:

Every year, I get a supplies list from the school district for what that bureaucracy deems to be ordinary tangible needs for each of my children. Then, throughout the year, I get notes from each of you telling me items that were left off, or that have only a temporary life, which you will need for an upcoming project. Well, those of us who were our children's First Teachers have lists as well. Here's mine.

2nd Grade:

1. 6 oval sponges, no longer than 4.33" on the vertical axis. Each child is being assigned a different color for our topographical map of Borneo, so it is important that you send the requested color.

2. One silver marking pen, fine line, prune scented.

3. Three gym shoes, since one will inevitably get lot of eaten by the dog, and they need proper footwear for vegging out in front of the computer, ostensibly to research American Wetlands for a Foss *Hands On* Science unit.

4. I know that since you have a Thanksgiving Feast for which we must send perishables, you will appreciate the advance notice I am giving you. We will be sponsoring a Multicultural Holiday Nutritional Seminar, and you are required to send one live quail, free range, and a bag of feed. On Dec. 14th, you will be required to dispatch said quail, pluck, and clean it as well. Please make an appointment.

5. 16 colored pencils, no pastels or neons colors, Mohamar Qaddafi brand only. You can purchase these at any open air Middle Eastern market on alternate (non-religious) Thursdays.

6. One ermine hide.

7. To facilitate the gift giving season ethic of "homemade is better," please send us four potatoes, one paring knife, 6 unprinted brown paper bags, a copy of "Stitch Your Own Wounds with Dental Floss" (illustrated, for 2nd graders, out of print, but available online at used book sites), a box of Curad bandages, and a pack of your favorite flavor of gum. I promise, you will enjoy the festive, blood-stained wrapping paper.

8. 11 orange wedges.

9. Matches and a fire extinguisher for our Home Safety unit.

10. A theme book, a 2 lb. bucket of mint-flavored school paste, a stapler, and a Polaroid camera to replace those commercialized and expensive yearbooks.


5th Grade:

1. Nine rolls of tape, since my daughter prefers this for fixing tears in her paper and has not yet learned moderation.

2. 180 pairs of socks, one for each day of school, to reduce time spent digging through laundry baskets.

3. Gel ink pens and black paper for notes to pass to girlfriends.

4. An abacus with Shades O'Pink beads. We will be teaching traditional math to supplement the Chicago Math program some city slicker sold you rubes. We would like for her to be able to someday determine whether or not her paycheck is correct.

5. 8 lbs. of pencils with holographic paper covering, since some idiot at school told her they only "felt right" after the first sharpening, and all subsequent sharpenings result in substandard,
unusable pencils.

6. A bag of no less than 37 erasers shaped like kumquats, acid green.

7. Unabridged copies of: The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Huck Finn, Anne of Green Gables (and all sequels), and the complete works of Isaac Asimov. Since you all have decided that _A Bear Called Paddington_ is over the heads of 5th graders, she gets pretty bored in Reading, so we have to supplement. These books will be donated to the public library after she's done with them.

8. 4 goldfish and a shark for her unit on Marine Predators.

9. Betty Crocker's cookbook, since your idea of Home Ec. consists of "this is a sink."

10. 14 bottles of Dimetapp, a case of junior chewable Tylenol, a hot water bottle, an ice bag, 3 prescriptions for Augmentin, and a barf bucket, since no one seems to know they can wash their
germ-ridden hands in that sink as well as dump out leftover finger paints.


7th Grade:

1. A live stoat for our unit on Gender Differences and Veterinary Science. A calm stoat will be returned to you.

2. A complete set of the Encyclopedia Britannica for those research projects you assign, but fail to determine if publicly available RESOURCE MATERIALS exist within city limits.

3. A late-model, highly advanced computer so that they can look at 1134 upside down and laugh. This is what one ENTIRE unit in their accelerated math books does, and we could use the extra RAM.

4. 6 yards of blue silk gauze for Drama Club members.

5. A $100,000 immediate pay annuity for sports and band participation, which will eliminate the need for my child to stump around town like a hobo, begging for donations.

6. 10 3-lb. bags of pure cane sugar; since this is what he eats at school, I'd hate to upset his digestion with real food here at home.

7. A poster of Einstein to set an example for hair fashion which will be cheaper and easier to maintain than the multi-colored, oddly clipped moron-do currently in vogue. Don King would be an acceptable alternative.

8. A subscription to Playboy and the _Men's Guide to Discreet Self-Enjoyment_ because there are some things a mother does not wish to speak aloud.

9. Karate lessons up to brown belt level to help him defend himself against those knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers on the bus and in gym class.

10. The precise chemical formula for Stridex liquid.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Mrs. BoS