Tuesday, October 24, 2006

New Rules

It’s cold today here, below freezing, and strange things are happening to my brain.

I was at the dentist’s office today, while my daughter had a cavity filled. Oh, and because the dentist is over-booked, a thing I LOATHE about modern dentists and doctors, we were there 2.5 hours. Anyway, I usually wait well – I read the scandal mags and catch up on the Jennifers – Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Simpson. And I was thinking that every so often a name should be banned. Like Bill Maher’s “New Rules,” I think I should get to make new rules whenever I feel like it, with just as much authority to see that they’re followed.

NEW RULE: If your name is Jennifer, you have to pick another name to use according to the following formula: take the first letter of your LAST name, add the first vowel from your middle name, and then make it sound Russian. You only have to use this name for two months, starting on your birthday and ending 60 days later. This way we’d get names like “Lariskina” or “Funiskovka” out there in the ozone, rather than another thousand Jennifers. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Jennifer, I’m just kind of tired of reading and hearing it. I also propose, as a corollary, that if there’s a name you’re tired of, you get to make the same rule for that name, only use a different formula for changing it.

NEW RULE: If a doctor makes me wait for more than 20 minutes in order to be seen, he has to give me $20 cash for each additional 10 minutes I wait, as soon as I get in the examining room. Same thing for waiting for an appointment for my minors. Sitting around IN the examining room, doing nothing in a paper robe, waiting for him/her to show up is also considered waiting time. My time is valuable, too, and I’d like to be compensated.

NEW RULE: If cops can stop you for driving 2 miles over the speed limit, they should be required to check the air pressure in your tires and fill them if necessary. We all know when it’s quota-filling time for those lovely tickets, and I’d like something for my time and money other than to be the target of a stern expression from an armed 8 year old with a buzz cut.

NEW RULE: The Republican party owes me $64 million dollars, plus about 8 years worth of interest. This is how much money they spent prosecuting impeachment for Bill Clinton getting a hummer. It was a waste of my money, and I want it back. Sure, it was sleazy, inappropriate, and a host of other unpleasant words, but it wasn’t $64 million dollars worth of sleaze. I could personally buy a lot of sleaze for that amount of money, all of it nastier than a b.j. In return, I will cease sarcastically using the phrase “stay the course” for a period of 2 years. They have to pay me right away, though.

NEW RULE: Advertisers are no longer allowed to use animation to shill for prescription medication. No more Moths of Death, no more Beez to prevent the Sneeze, uhn-uhn, no, no, no. I want to see real people snorking down a pill, belching, scratching their butts or whatever it is they are going to do, and no more of this asinine kiddy TV crossover crapola.

And, the final…

NEW RULE: News channels with tickers across the bottom are required to indicate, in that ticker, when the talking head or heads are speculating, rather than reporting factual occurrences. That should cut down on a lot of peripheral dizziness, and really straighten out the people who watch Faux Newz.

Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog trolling.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This one (the title) sounds like something that could be an ongoing series. I could picture you keeping a notebook with you at all times for ideas/subjects for the list of New Rules.