More Fairies...

The Desire Fairy: is a perverse, ornery holdover from before IGMAHK. Cruel and with a sense of timing so bad it's biblical, she used to tap me whenever I had just broken up with someone, just as soon as I waved goodbye. I personally haven't seen her more than in passing since my first episiotomy 18.5 years ago. Sometimes after a really hard day with the kids, I dream that she has visited me and wake up at 2:30 am, trying to shake Capt. Spouse awake, but he's just been visited by his Sleep-Like-the-Dead Fairy, so it doesn't work. Naturally, she then spends 6 consecutive weeks beating the snot out of my poor husband until he'd be willing to explain to the kids in clinical detail just what it was Mom and Dad were doing in the kitchen while they were locked out of the house, but he can't because they're all down with the stomach flu, and it would be cruel to throw them out in the yard in February anyway. We conjure up memories of her anyway because otherwise the Irritability Fairy takes up residence in the dining room.

The Maternal Guilt Fairy: Mistress of the Sneak Attack and close cousin of the Before IGMAHK Fantasy Fairy, she wields a cast iron frying pan, sounds a lot like my mother, and speaks directly into my right ear. She shows up when I'm having moments of self-pity and wondering what ever happened to the former resident of my head who used to think deep thoughts and work complicated equations and be known to all her high school friends as "computer brain". I can feel her slam the side of my head and then she yells " YEAH? SO? Who would take care of these beautiful children, these fragile lives, these utterly dependent, innocent, darling, wonderful people who have been entrusted to YOU? Don't be so selfish! You weren't really more fulfilled, you were delusional! Trust me, you were NOT going to be the head of GM even if you hadn't had kids." Then, b*tch that she is, she whispers in one of my kids' ears, and he/she'll come up to me, crawl onto my lap and say "You're the best Mom ever" and slobber kisses on me. I always feel like worm poop for about 20 seconds and then I feel OK about being committed to the Mom thing after all. Older moms tell me she never leaves, even after the kids are grown and out of the house, making huge mistakes of their own.

The Tooth Fairy: We all believe in her. She wears blue and white gossamer robes, has pearlized wings and direct access to the US mint. I figure if she gives my kids a quarter for each baby tooth that there ought to be value-added increases for teeth with dental assistance, so that when mine finally fall out in blobs of filling connected by tiny original tooth filaments, they should be worth a good $10,000 each. I'm basing most of my retirement planning on this theory, and I won't mind if it's all in change.

The Eternal Patience Fairy: Shows up not nearly often enough, but frequently before the Raging Bull Moose Behavior Fairy gets a chance to make me terrify my kids after they've done something phenomenally stupid/dangerous/inconsiderate. I can tell because she reaches into my head and flips the volume switch completely off and then does lung compressions to resynchronize my breathing. Then she starts squeezing my voice box and I head therapeutic slop phrases issue from my face. Some of her favorites are "Now, how would you feel if someone did that to you?" "Go and apologize sincerely to..." "You need to remember to use your words, not your fists." Or "Gee, that makes me feel angry when you..." I vacillate between thinking she's a moron and thanking God for her presence.

The Mechanical Mischief Fairy: Visits me whenever my husband is having a really rough day at work. I picture her as looking like Nancy McKeon in that girls' school show, wearing greasy overalls, carrying a tiny wrench, and with a scary grin on her face. She causes belts to fall off lawnmowers, cars to stall, ceiling fans to mysteriously emit a plastic smell, squeal and stop moving, and air conditioners to belch and rumble to a halt. She pours Pepsi into keyboards, causes small, expensive, discontinued parts from Indonesia to spectacularly explode off of kitchen appliances, and regularly hacks through the cable TV wires, making all programs close-captioned in Spanish. She has never, ever, ever, ever visited my husband, in fact, she repairs her own damage before he can show up to rescue me from her. I think she hates me.