NOTES I HAVE SENT TO SCHOOL

Dear Elementary School Teacher:

Doodle is late because his shoes ran away to join the French Foreign
Legion. They were disqualified, as the height requirement is 5
feet, not 2. They returned this morning, smelling faintly of camel
dung and myrrh, approximately 3 minutes after the bus pulled away.
We are glad they've come back, but are very sorry for the delay.

BoS


Dear Elementary School Teacher:

Doodle has brought Dunkin’ Donuts for his birthday treat because his mother is a lazy bum who forgot to make cupcakes or cookies the night before. She probably would have forgotten to wrap them appropriately, too. Hope you enjoy the donuts, please take any leftovers to the teachers’ lounge.

LazyBum BoS


Dear High School Nurse:

Spawn will need to leave early today for an emergency appointment with his orthodontist. Apparently, it is not possible to twang out “Dueling Banjos” on one’s dental appliances without unfortunate physical consequences.

BoS


Dear Kindergarten Teacher:

Thank you for your phone call yesterday, alerting me to the fact that Doodle was not wearing underwear. I had not been in the habit of checking inside of his pants prior to this, but I will make a point of it henceforth. We just recently convinced him to wear socks inside of his shoes, so we’ll just make it part of his morning clothing inspection.

BoS


Dear Elementary School Administrators:

Thank you for your note regarding my daughter’s Reading Class project on Eating Fried Worms. We realize that it may appear she had some help, and she did, as this is the same project that has been assigned to the advanced reading class for the last seven years. Consequently, when she brought up the subject at the dinner table, we all offered input, having such extensive familiarity with the topic. She did, however, create the majority of work on her own, and significantly revised suggested menu items, to the point where the US Copyright Office would consider them original works. We will continue to discuss schoolwork at the dinner table, however, we will also stress producing entirely original work, regardless of the repetitive nature of the assignments. And, yes, your student teacher may use her project as a sample for his class.

BoS


Dear High School Advisor:

Bunny is interested in exploring the option of finishing her Western Civ. Class as independent study. As I have notified you previously, many of the assignments being offered by her student teacher are very frustrating to Bunny, and she feels they are of dubious academic merit.

We were all distressed to find out that the latest assignment was to prepare a mime skit on the French Revolution, in a group, to be presented in a 5 minute slot the following day. While I suppose this does show creativity, it does not appear to advance any understanding of the political, social, economic, or other aspects surrounding the French Revolution, at least, not according to the agreed upon skit, which will involve a mimed beheading and nothing else.

Also, the other assignments appear to involve a great deal of coloring, including a picture book for babies on the concept of “absolutism”. We are low on crayons and would prefer not to have to purchase any more, now that all the children are teenagers. If independent study is not an option, could Bunny be permitted to write research papers, term papers, or essays instead? Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

BoS