Phinal Phaeries

The Money Fairy: Has never visited me. I think she looks like Bunky Hunt with boobs. She inevitably hangs out with someone related to someone I know, but never with anyone I REALLY know. She grants extravagant bennies and huge salaries on people decades younger than me, and since my parents' retirement plans are way better than mine will ever be, I think they've met her. I've changed my deodorant, my perfume, my shampoo, my toothpaste, my favorite clothing designer, my attitude, my habits, my speech, and my smile -- all to try and make her show up just like they say in the commercials on TV and in the positive mental attitude seminars, but still she stays away. Maybe she only likes blondes, but since I have dark skin and would look REALLY STUPID with blonde hair, I can't bring myself to bleach. Fortunately, I have created a papier mache substitute for her, known as the "Coping Fairy", whom I drag to thrift shops and garage sales.

The Shopping Fairy: I only know of her in her household goods/grocery persona, although those who have a Money Fairy living with them tell me she also has an Upscale/Luxury Item persona. And, sadly, I've never met either version face-to-face, but my hub and kids are convinced of her existence. She's the one who causes tuna, pot roast, noodles, veggies, fruits, etc. to mysteriously appear in the proper places in the kitchen, buys the laundry soap and toilet paper, the bug spray, new sponges, and children's clothing. I wish she'd quit taking money out of my checking account because someday I'd like to be able to actually afford Christmas. And why do my feet hurt, and why to I have this unreasonable hatred of Wal-Mart Superstores?

The Arrogant Brain Fairy, who travels hand in hand with her twin, the Humility Fairy: The ABFairy has very large glasses and a bookbag and makes very unwelcome visits whenever I'm around someone whom I know has a really pure heart but a limited vocabulary and bad skills in expressing themselves. She makes me feel impatient and intellectually snobbish, but her twin, who has an oily voice and is related to the Maternal Guilt Fairy slips in on the ABFairy's heels and reminds my to keep my big yap shut ala Abe Lincoln's caveat of "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." Unfortunately, I often have wax in my ears and can't hear the Humility Fairy.

The Fat Fairy: is pure evil and may not even be a fairy but rather a minor demon. He/she looks like Colonel Sanders but with stretched tight black clothes and a sweaty face. I have lived on medium-sized cantaloupe halves and cups of coffee since 1992 (with a few escapee binge days, I admit), and the Fat Fairy very matter-of-factly steals fat grams and calories from the children's plates and my husband's peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches and puts them in my fruit. I can actually SEE the calories moving from their food to mine, like a greasy miasma in the air. When I walk by a bakery or near candy, there she is again, stuffing fat grams up my nostrils and applying blobs of butter directly to my skin. I've come to realize the FF is misguided. She/he must think I'm really swell and want me to live forever off the store on my butt alone, so that I can be around to keep all the other fairies amused and occupied. I've noticed her unnatural affection runs along family lines, and mine is not the only family -- we grin sadly at each other in front of the green-label displays in stores and at the fruit heaps in the produce department. Fortunately, I've not been visited by the cholesterol/blood pressure fairy, but she's lurking out there somewhere, I have no doubt.

I don't know if other people have as many Fairies in their life, or if theirs are as interesting and varied as mine. I just know my life would be even more boring without them, and evil, annoying, irksome, or wonderful as they are, I think I'm glad of their presence. Gosh, without them, would there be any challenges or surprises?